superpsychology

So, I'm posting.

Why? I'm not too sure.

Good news first, I got the transfer at work, meaning that rather than being stressed out for the rest of my life, I'm working in a facility that's mostly for independent living, with only six girls, at most four being there at any given time. No restraints, no behavior like that. It'd be astounding. I beat out a few others for it too, apparently, although my reasoning is that they only hired me for it because they won't have to train a new staff, and they hate me at the other place. Regardless, I'm grateful.

I'm also leaving the Body Shop. I handed in my two-weeks today, because I'll be full-time at my other job, and the best part IS that I'll have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday OFF. That's fucking astounding, can you imagine? It's beautiful. So that's the deal with that. Nothing fascinating.

I vented to Kevin the other night about being horribly frustrated about the fact that I'm alone, and not just because people won't date me, but because I've isolated myself entirely. I've done this to myself. It sucks. Hopefully I'll be able to start going out more, with the opening of my weekends. But still... I've done this. I hate that I have, and I feel like I'm unable to find someone on my own. It's almost as though I feel stunted in my social growth, and I have no idea how to meet people. I just blindly hope someone sets me up and it works. Which, of course, hasn't happened. But I still hope. And that's a silly thing to do. But hey, what else can I do?

I'm sick of posting... I do have Anime Boston coming up, and lots of friends to see there =) that'll be fun, and a nice, highly-needed break, given I worked quite a long week.

And that's it... dunno what else to say.

So once more I neglect this journal. How thoughtless of me, especially given how things are going.

Which is well! I ended things for good with the person who wants to remain nameless, partly because of that. Partly because they ended things, then came back, and it turned out they had told other people about us. I dunno, I felt betrayed. It's better for me to not have a real relationship right now, I suppose.

I finished my therapy, which made me cry. My therapist really helped me to realize my full potential as a human being. I've improved my quality of life by a lot. I can sit and be happy or content, not always nervous or anxious. Some days I don't even realize it. People tell me I'm so relaxed, or I realize I'm so much more calm at my job, something that forced me into getting help to begin with. I thanked her for everything, because she shaped my life. I'm happy now. I was happy before but this... this is new. This feels like she helped me to wipe away the grime and dirt that once covered the mirror, and helped me to realize who I really am. And it's amazing. This is ME. I feel like... I feel like me =)

Sure, I get nervous still, but it's about stuff that really makes sense, and my level of anxiety is understandable, if not lowered. I handle things better than others, and I can see my own spirals into anger and anxiety, and can stop myself. I still practice relaxation, and it's nice. I'm still going to do my journal as a support, too.

I'm also more focused on what matters to me. People that matter, I care about others now seriously, and I can distance myself from those energy suckers. I just feel... I feel great. I think it's rubbing off on others, too. I can help mold peoples' energies, and it's kind of cool. I'm more motivated to get my own place, to get a new job... all of that. I have reasonable concerns about life now, and I feel more excited. I'm seriously considering moving to a new state (where I know others) just to get away. To be away. To be FREE. And it excites me, it seems feasible, and real. And I like it. I like how I feel, how I think I really am now.

Not much else to really report. Still trying to get a new job, but apparently I'm doing really well at my current job, despite no feedback. I may visit Laurel next weekend. Celebrating my mom's birthday soon, and going to call out to work to do so. Fuck that job xD

Aaaaand that's it... not a lot to say. Happy, content... me =)

So. I'm posting.

It's been a while, as I am ever so intelligent to notice by checking the last post I made. I'm not sure why I stopped, I guess I just didn't feel a need to post.

So why now?

I've been in therapy for about... five or six months now for anxiety. Specifically, I've been getting treatment as part of a study (and thus free treatment) for generalized anxiety disorder, for which I've been diagnosed. Going into it, I was skeptical. Being anxious for so long, I questioned whether it was even possible to NOT be so anxious, and what it would feel like. My first sessions were frustrating, forcing me to go back over my anxiety, focusing on it and reliving it. I got angry, overly emotional, and frustrated. As time went on, I learned to identify anxious cues, to use relaxation techniques that while they took a while, seemed to help, though not in the moment. Eventually, I got to the point where I'd notice other people being anxious. I saw my boss freaking out, and I said "Wow, she is just really high strung... she should chill". And that made me smile. Not because it was funny, but because I realized I felt normal. Sure, I was still anxious, and still am, but not nearly as much as I used to be. I am able to take steps back now and realize what I'm doing and what I'm feeling. Sure, my social anxiety still overwhelms me at times, but I manage myself. I don't perseverate on things, I don't obsess how I used to. Every monday, I know I have my therapy appointment, and I go into Boston.

But it's ending soon, and we discussed what I'll do instead, to keep myself in the routine. I decided that my journal is likely the best place for myself. I'll have Mondays free, so why not make the most of them? Post here, post what anxious things happened, if I applied rapid relaxation, etc. I'll miss therapy, but I'm grateful for it.

I feel normal now. Like I can step back and go "Huh... that would make anyone anxious". That people can listen to what I do and go "I could never do that, I'd be too afraid". That I can be called a 'calm person' and that I'm 'relaxed'. That makes me happy. It really does. I feel like something matters now. That I've learned how to be like other people, if not more observant. I still get anxious, but I understand it more, and I can feel it differently and break away from it. I have tools and I know how to get through it.

I'm also sort of seeing someone now. I'm not sure whether I can post his name, which leads me into a worry. He wants to keep in on the down-low, which I get but also... I don't get. Is he ashamed of me? Embarrassed what his friends think? What is it? I also don't know how to act around him. I have an urge to be sweet and... girly, but I'm afraid to. He's a very logical person, as am I, but what if he sees it as stupid? I want to call him and talk to him for hours, to learn all these things about him, but I have no idea what to do. Never have I felt so confused before. So unsure how to act. Usually I'm so confident about myself, but... maybe he just makes me nervous. He's so smart, witty, amazing, and a variety of other words, but... but but but. I dunno. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fuck up something that matters to me, that I'll make him hate me, or he'll see the 'real' me and be smart and go running.

I'm afraid that now that I've finally found someone I want to be with, that it won't work. Something will go wrong. I don't know how to act around him, I simply don't. I care for him, and I'm worried I care more for him than he does for me... I can't ask him how he feels can I? Would that be rude? Would I make him angry? AUGH! What do I do?! Someone help me.

And with that, I end my entry I suppose... looking for a new job DESPERATELY, enjoying Body Shop as best I can with Walden, which I still hate.

Time to depart, dearest journal.

OH WAIT! Peace Corps is going well too, just gotta do my health forms. BLEH. And prove that just 'cause I'm fat, I can still join >>

So, for me, having zombie dreams is nothing new. I tend to have them with some sort of frequency, and it never really disturbs me. Last night's was funny though, mostly because it was rubbing in my face not having a boyfriend.

It started where I was trying to hunt down this guy who had killed some of my friends. I was finally down to my significant other, and he went to do this experiment thing, at which point I told him I couldn't lose him, I just couldn't. So I ended up shoving him out of the way and doing the experiment for him, thus putting myself directly into harm's way. I was sucked into another dimension, and thus, another dream.

This next dream took place where the zombie apocalypse was starting. I was at a home, not unlike mine, with some random folks when it hit. I told them what to do, and how to get past the zombies, ending up eventually on the roof of the house where we were safe. The supplies we had were weird, like poinsetta plants, fake plants, and random stuffing. I was convincing everyone we were safe, and protecting people.

Somehow, the time-frame shifted, and the apocalypse was in full-force, and had been going on for a while. I was at my house, but it was... different. Bigger, more locks, heavier doors, more fortified. I was living with a group of people, my parents among them. Everyone kept forgetting to lock the door though, which consistently bothered me, because random zombies were still occasionally wandering the streets. But I was locking the doors and such. Then it was winter, and these guys pulled up, and I brought out my katana, because I'd been using it for protection. They commended me for it, although it was suddenly shorter. The dream itself was weird, and I was never once killed, which makes it odder, because usually I die in a crazy-ass scene. But regardless, it was cool, and I woke up feeling ready for a zombie invasion xD Haha.

So here's to hoping my day goes well, working at the body shop. Tomorrow is my combo, then thursday is just Walden, then fri/sat is my combo again. I'll be so happy when the holidays are over, or when I can quit Walden. Now, just to finish filling out my Peace Corps. application, and get my recommendations in order. Oy oy oy.

So I took the GREs the other day. I prepped for probably not as long as I should have, and took them anyways. I got my score on the multiple choice immediately, which was abysmal. 1000 out of 1600. My writing section, however, needed to be sent in and graded separately, of course. So I got it back the other day, pretty aware that my writing skills are already very high up there (except at 10am on my only day off). I received a PERFECT score on the writing section. The grades are done on a .5 scale, starting at 6.0-1.0. Six is the highest. I got a 6.0. Not a 5.5, not a 5.0, a 6.0. Absolutely perfect. That means two people both read my paper, and both thought it was perfect. To me, that's what I'm most proud of. That's the most challenging section, and I did perfect. I'm quite proud of that, though intensely pissed that I still have to take the ENTIRE THING over again. Whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In other news, I've been working a lot. Beyond the fulltime, when combining both jobs. Body Shop hired me for 10 hours a week, and I'm working 25 next week. That's two and a half times what I signed up for. But it's money, and who am I to say no? Besides, it'll drop back to normal once the holidays are over. And the Body Shop has been good, my boss is nice, co-workers are cool. Plus I get samples and discounts. I've also been using makeup more, and having fun with it. It really is like painting! Haha

And my body is looking better, toning and firming it up. It's nice to physically start to see the difference, losing weight can be a powerful motivator. Once I hit my target in another 20lbs, I'm getting that tattoo. Everyone who hears about it grins, shakes their head, and goes "That's weird, but that's so you, Alix". Good to know I don't let people down ;)

Really, that's about it... Peace Corps stuff came today, so I'm going to fill that out and send it all back, then see what happens. Gotta finish sending out grad school stuff, since that's my backup, and I refuse to work at Walden beyond a year. Dunno what else to report though. It's snowing, and I'm feeling cynical. Nothing new, haha.

I've lost more weight.

I'm almost back to where I started. Once I hit my goal, I'm getting my tattoo. I'm excited.

In the middle of a restraint at work yesterday, Tanya (boss) looks at me while holding the girl's arm, and I'm on her legs. She'd asked me earlier to cover Sunday, when I agreed, she said, "So Alix, can we talk about you going back to full time?" and smiled at me. I told her I'd be willing to think about grabbing Sunday mornings, maybe if I can do 9-3:30pm. THAT way, I'd be getting 34.5 hours a week, and I'd be fulltime. I just can't see myself getting up at 5:30am to get in for 7:30am after working until 11pm the night before.

Work has consumed me.

I'm going to have my mom check my Peace Corps. application over, and I'm going to call the head office to send in my college transcript. I have my three recommendations sent in, and wrote my personal essays, and I fit the criteria. I guess it all depends on them. I'd LOVE to do it, but who knows. I doubt my ability to get in... meh. I also applied to gamestop for an assistant manager position. I doubt I'd get that, either. But it can't hurt me to apply, you know? What do I lose by applying.

Regardless. I finally got my period after six months of not. Doctor says I have some disorder where I don't ovulate like normal women. I don't produce eggs monthly like other women do. I'm one in 10% of all women who are like that. I'm an oddity. I have such a weird body. Anyways, I may not be able to have kids then, or some shit like that... which makes me sad. Whatever. Not to stress now, single anyways, and I will be forever. I just don't know where to go to meet boys. Or how to meet boys... I don't want to do the internet thing D:

I GIVE UP D: !!!

/done.

WEll FUCK.


Given I've sufficiently isolated myself from anyone who might care about me, it makes this hard. I'm becoming depressed again. And it blows. I'm paranoid, angry, sad, frustrated, lonely. I hate this.

Hate hate hate.

Well, despite a very eventful evening with Rachel on Sunday, my anger is cropping up again. I understand it better, although that doesn't mean it's easier. I'm angry because I'm so anxious, because of therapy. It'll get harder before it gets better, she said that to me (therapist lady), but I still hate it. It's my defense mechanism to keep people out. Only problem is, there's no one left to keep out. I've sufficiently isolated myself, which is fine, but now I have all this anger being released. It's probably best that way. Maybe this will help knock down those walls I've got up.

I just hate being angry. That tight feeling in my stomach from anxiety bubbling into something I can't control and that gets let out through rage. I wanted to cut again tonight, seriously cut, for the first time in a long time. I just feel so overwhelmed... so angry, so tired... It's so hard.

And I'm so isolated. I really would like a boyfriend, honestly, but how do I go about finding one? I don't want to use the internet to find one... I'm done with that, it doesn't work. I want to meet someone, to feel that physical connection, mental and emotional connection... I miss that so badly. It certainly isn't helping my self-esteem that I feel this way, either. Blah. What do I do? I don't know anymore.

This is so hard. I wish it wasn't.

Alright, an entry. I'll try and get better about those, I swear.

So I worked until 1:30am last night... two and a half hours over my normal schedule. But a definite plus was that I got to watch Transformers (hence the title) and the rifftrax for it. I lol'd. It was easy, and I chatted with the supervisor for an hour, then talked with Tanya for a little bit as well. Basically, I got paid over 30 dollars to sit, talk, and watch movies. Not bad, and I dropped to the bottom of the mandate list!

Also: Monster energy drinks are good! :3 Which is helpful to know.

I'm sick, however, which blows mildly. I wonder how it's humanly possible for that much mucus to be in my nose. Like, seriously. What the fuck? Every ten minutes I'm blowing my nose. It seems like I'm a mutant or something.

I also got a radio adapter thing for my iPod, to play it through my radio. It's alright, harder to use when in Boston, given how many stations there are, but it's decent enough.

So Alex did contact me. I was busy re-claiming my Sandshadow name, changing the email and password back to my stuff, when he messaged me. I freaked out a bit, calmed myself down, and said a hello back. Dude, seriously. I fucking blow shit out of proportion in my head. I imagined having an all-out battle with Alex, one for the history books, with him threatening to hack my emails or some shit, I don't even know. But what actually happened was I got the apology I'd been waiting for. From what I can tell, it was sincere. I'm STILL mad at him for deleting my old LJ, and just in general, but having that apology makes me feel at least slightly better, you know? Like, he's acknowledging what I'd been going through.

My friend Dei was nervous for me, warning me to be careful still. But I'm always careful. Anxious people are prepared for everything and anything, and that's what I am. Anxious and careful. Kevin was worried that he was asking to be romantically involved again, I assured him that wasn't the case. Moira called and asked how I was handling it. It's definitely taking a toll on me emotionally, but I'm visiting Laurel this weekend, despite being fucking sick, because fuck it. She's a support for me, and I miss the crap out of her.

Not much else to report. Work is meh. The stories I could tell you guys, though. It's crazy! Some of these girls are really something else. I almost got attacked on Wednesday, which looking back, was amusing. At the time, scary is more appropriate xD

ANYWAYS. That's pretty much all for now. Hopefully I'll remember to update this thing more. It certainly can be useful =)

So, hurarh for vivid nightmares.

Last night I had quite an intense one. I started with me being in my own room, when I heard someone downstairs. I quickly realized it was someone breaking in, so I got out my bedroom window, had my keys, got into my car and drove off as fast as I could, speeding. It occurred to me then that it was Alex who had broken into my house. So I drove, and eventually he caught up with me. At first he seemed apologetic for what had happened, then tried to be sexual with me. I was very upset by this, and told him to stop, but he didn't.

Eventually, it ended and he was trying to be sweet with me again, but still being his controlling, awful self. And so we were at the hospital for some reason, and I begged for the security to help me, explaining my situation to them. They went in to arrest him, and were forced to shoot him because he became violent. I went to see how he was doing, since he was still alive, and he tried to come and get me again, wrapped up in the hospital gown, coming towards me. I screamed, trying to get away, and before he could get me, he was shot again twice, killing him, I believe.

I remember screaming hysterically, sobbing, just generally very upset by what had happened. I tried to get away, but it was so hard. I was so upset.

So I guess that answers my question about PTSD :3

And the restraining order is up, which is why I dreamed all that CRAP. Fuck my head. Bleh.

I know! long time since I've updated.

Right now I hate people. Like, legitimately I've been shown repeatedly this week why I don't hang out with folks. People at work have been rude and nasty, Kevin has been outwardly ignoring me, Anne found an apartment and didn't even have the decency to TELL me, just blamed it on me and went on her way. Like, seriously everyone. Stop being sneaky and do things behind peoples' backs. Grow a set of balls. That goes for everyone. I'm just sick of this shit. We graduated college (well, some of us), so stop acting like twelve year olds. At least at my job when the girls do something wrong, most apologize later for it. They own their behaviors.

I'm just tired of people, I guess. Fuck everyone, seriously.

On a plus side, visiting MCLA was alright. I got so butt ass lost on my way back, because I was so busy crying and sobbing I missed my exit. Four years driving that route, and never once have I gotten lost. But I did the other day. My mom says it's because I'm grieving. Which I guess is true.

In other news, the restraining order is up on Tuesday at 2pm. Three days. Not that I'm counting. I feel weird about it. Jonas assures me he won't try and make contact, and even if he does, who's to say he's going to be mean? I don't know. Maybe he doesn't even know it's coming up.

The BU center called me back. Their primary diagnosis for me was Generalized Anxiety Disorder, with secondary diagnosis of social phobia, panic disorder, and PTSD. Duh. I could have told you that. Oh well, feels better to know it's 'official' and I can start treatment once placements open up. Two months at the most. Long time to wait, but I've waited twenty-two years. Two months I can handle.

Alright, I need to go, I'm heading out early to pick up some stuff before work. Peace, bitches.

Ok, a few things first. Copying and pasting from IMs because I don't feel like re-writing it.

At work, a girl tried to run away. Was brought back decked an EMT, was taken to the hospital. I'm scared of her. Another girl DID run, was caught, brought back. Scared of her, too. ANother tried to commit suicide.

My mother has cancer on her face. Again.

Bank of America needs to die. They apparently changed my account, without asking, so I lacked overdraft protection. Then didn't process my paycheck and kept saying I was in the negatives. I fought them, they fixed it FINALLY.

So now! I was at Alex's this weekend, and we were going to make a cake for Tony Stark. Why? Because we're silly silly girls. I got bored, and drew on the pillsbury doughboy on the box. I gave him Stark's goatee and mustache and wrote "JERK" on it. :3 But he's a sexy jerk.

And that's it. Also: I am tired.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.
* Look at the list and bold those you have read.
* Italicize those you intend to read.
* Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell --I NEED TO READ THIS X_X
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott[/b]
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller ---Sort of. >>
[b]14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger --Everyone's read this.
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger --Absolutely amazing book. I love it.
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame --I was even in the play :3
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell Fucking awesome.
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving--Didn't like it, but I can appreciate it.
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck I still love this book
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens --This book just frustrates me. Fucking kids.
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White --Mostly.
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle[ --Proudly read 'em this year!
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Personally, I'm surprised Uncle Tom's Cabin isn't on this. Unless it is and I missed it. *Shrug*

So I had this really weird dream last night that Robert Downey Jr. was performing limb reattachment surgery and simultaneously performing brain surgery on himself. Naturally, it didn't end well.

I then had a dream I was battling Colin Farrell as a superhero, and leaping across the roofs of the townhouses.

My dreams are SO strange.

Quick up to the date.

My knee is relatively intact. He bruised the fuck out of the bone, but she thinks that if I can bear weight, awesome. ALSO: FUCK HIM. She told me not to do any high-impact sports. DARN! Guess my new football league is out of the question >___>

Bridget gave me my laptop again. Well, gave it back. And given she'd borrowed it for THREE WEEKS (the agreement was one), she very kindly gave me a Dunkin Donuts giftcard :3 Coffeeeeeeeeeee *Dances*. I'm so excited. Large iced coffees from that place are like, maybe two dollars. Granted ME having coffee is usually a bad idea, but I don't caaaaaare.

Work has been tolerable. It's just hard getting into this, you know? Working with traumatized girls. I helped with a restraint on Saturday. Tanya purposely put me working by this one girl we knew would need a restraint so I'd be involved, which really was good. It lasted maybe 40 minutes or so, and I was fine after. Granted, it's a little jarring, but I'm dandy now. My body ached so bad the next day, haha. I realized I need to start lifting at the gym and doing some sit ups regularly so my body can adjust.

I'm going to the mall today to possibly see about getting a case for my Macbook and some new headphones at the Apple store in the Burlington mall. And then I was going to be lazy. Motherfucking-ass-on-the-bed-all-day lazy. I can't wait. Working six days in a row is draining, and I work for 13 hours on Wednesday. So Monday and Tuesday are going to be my restful days.

I've taken, finally, one of the first steps towards 'recovery'.

I've realized, without a doubt, that one of the reasons I'm having such problems is my anxiety. Formerly, I was able to manage and use coping skills, as well as cover it up with sarcasm and pretending to be laid back. I'm tired of being... tired all the time, the anxiety taking a serious toll on me. I need to get some help for it. I don't want to be afraid to go into work, you know? I'm sick of freaking out about going on a date, beyond what's normal. I'm sick of making excuses for things that I shouldn't be afraid of. I'm done.

I'm going to check out a program at BU that helps with anxiety and is currently doing a research study on it. I'm going to try and see what I can do. Really, I shouldn't be freaking out about stuff the way I do, and anyone I know can tell you that I do that. Blah. Let's see if this works.

HOBOY DEPRESSION.

Grandpa is dying. He can't make it back to Boston, and he wants to stay in Colorado, and so he's staying. Mom's staying a few extra days, because she thinks this is the last time she'll see him alive, or at least as coherent as he is now.

Visited gramma, which was emotionally draining. She's having more physical problems, and is having some mental stuff as well. She's on more meds, and can't sleep. I'm pretty sure that's because she's in pain. She's very cranky now, and she didn't used to be. It's sad.

Work is stressing me out. Seeing what these girls deal with daily is taking a toll already, which is worrysome. I'm concerned about being able to be strict with them. I'm hoping I can. Everyone seems to think I can, but the anxiety is driving me nuts. It makes me want to cry. At least I've been doing points and chores at night, so that's a good sign. Everyone's been pretty nice, but I just feel like a burden right now. I'll be thankful when that stops.

I'm tired of my anxiety. I met this guy from eHarmony for a date today. Dean. He's a really nice guy, and asked to go on a second date already. There were minor awkward silences, but really, that's to be expected. I thought I'd be a lot sillier, but I just felt comfortable. He seems like a really good guy. I kept freaking out about going on a date for a while.

Mom was worried about my social life. Which is fine, but she shouldn't be. I've never been really social in my life ever. So now isn't an exception.

I'm thankful to have met Laura at work. She's a pretty cool person so far, and we're into some of the same games and the like. That's a good thing.

I'm mostly just tired of dealing with this alone. And no one cares or gives a shit, which is great.

I want to go to sleep forever.

NOT DIE, sleep forever. That would be wonderful.

I TRY AND BE NICE AND WHAT HAPPENS? EVERYTHING I SAY GETS COMPLETELY MISINTERPRETED. EVERYONE NEEDS TO JUST FUCKING EAT MY LEFT TIT AND GO AWAY.

I'm so sick of people tonight.

So, most vivid dream ever. Some of it is hard to explain. I remember there being rain, and my dad having to put the roof of his car up. Almost falling in water. Then there was a movie, and I was on these bleachers. Some kind of quest was going to start. ANyways, I went on it, climbed all these stairs, and went inside to find that there was just a solid white wall. I for some reason knew there was a door, and entered with some people with me. One had a gun, and we snuck inside because we were on some quest thing. I somehow knew what was going to happen, like I'd done it before, and I finally reached a section guarded by a blind woman. It was in this dingy, dark garage. She had a sash tied over her eyes, because she couldn't see. I apologized and went to leave, because I thought I didn't belong there, but she insisted I enter. I did, and saw she had all these important relics. I suddenly realized I was looking for the Destiny Diaries. I told her that they were missing from her relic file, and she looked at me and said, "Are they? You would know, wouldn't you?" And I was confused, but realized she meant I was Destiny. I was the one who could see the future.

I suddenly knew what I had to do an went running, and found this clinician person. I begged her to help me, and she informed me she was as old as time. I insisted the same, then apologized for having a flair for the dramatic. I told her I didn't know what had happened to my memory, but it had been tampered with, and I needed to remember what I'd written in the diaries because if not, everyone I loved would be killed. I saw a fountain outside turn on after being frozen, and the world around was coming to life. I also saw these really detailed metal railings, and I could see the ivy pattern in them, and this one leaf I was focused on.

THEN MY FRICKEN ALARM WENT OFF AND I WOKE UP.

My theory? I am clairvoyant. Oh! And she said that because I'd met someone named Destiny (which I did recently) that the world was giving me a sign.

WEIRD.

So I had training today. Which wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't end up scaring the crap out of me. I think once I get into it... I'll feel better. But for now, I'm anxious and nervous. I know I'll have my weight mocked, because that's what's obvious and visible to them. But I'm worried, you know? It's not just a new job, it's a new job where people are relying on me to help others live safely and in a supportive environment. That's scary!


Oops! Power went out! Hahaha!

I love storms.

ANYWAYSOMG. I'm scared. I met someone named Amy, who was very nice, and I seemed to get along with. THere was also an MCLA girl there which was crazy. How random is that? Oh well.

I have a 'test' tomorrow on stuff I learned at restraint training today. Ahhh! Scary! But not as scary as this storm x3

And that's it for now.

Also: I want a significant other. And I am frustrated.