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Oct. 13th, 2008 | 09:50 pm

Well, despite a very eventful evening with Rachel on Sunday, my anger is cropping up again. I understand it better, although that doesn't mean it's easier. I'm angry because I'm so anxious, because of therapy. It'll get harder before it gets better, she said that to me (therapist lady), but I still hate it. It's my defense mechanism to keep people out. Only problem is, there's no one left to keep out. I've sufficiently isolated myself, which is fine, but now I have all this anger being released. It's probably best that way. Maybe this will help knock down those walls I've got up.

I just hate being angry. That tight feeling in my stomach from anxiety bubbling into something I can't control and that gets let out through rage. I wanted to cut again tonight, seriously cut, for the first time in a long time. I just feel so overwhelmed... so angry, so tired... It's so hard.

And I'm so isolated. I really would like a boyfriend, honestly, but how do I go about finding one? I don't want to use the internet to find one... I'm done with that, it doesn't work. I want to meet someone, to feel that physical connection, mental and emotional connection... I miss that so badly. It certainly isn't helping my self-esteem that I feel this way, either. Blah. What do I do? I don't know anymore.

This is so hard. I wish it wasn't.

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