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Feb. 16th, 2009 | 05:00 pm
mood: contemplative contemplative

So. I'm posting.

It's been a while, as I am ever so intelligent to notice by checking the last post I made. I'm not sure why I stopped, I guess I just didn't feel a need to post.

So why now?

I've been in therapy for about... five or six months now for anxiety. Specifically, I've been getting treatment as part of a study (and thus free treatment) for generalized anxiety disorder, for which I've been diagnosed. Going into it, I was skeptical. Being anxious for so long, I questioned whether it was even possible to NOT be so anxious, and what it would feel like. My first sessions were frustrating, forcing me to go back over my anxiety, focusing on it and reliving it. I got angry, overly emotional, and frustrated. As time went on, I learned to identify anxious cues, to use relaxation techniques that while they took a while, seemed to help, though not in the moment. Eventually, I got to the point where I'd notice other people being anxious. I saw my boss freaking out, and I said "Wow, she is just really high strung... she should chill". And that made me smile. Not because it was funny, but because I realized I felt normal. Sure, I was still anxious, and still am, but not nearly as much as I used to be. I am able to take steps back now and realize what I'm doing and what I'm feeling. Sure, my social anxiety still overwhelms me at times, but I manage myself. I don't perseverate on things, I don't obsess how I used to. Every monday, I know I have my therapy appointment, and I go into Boston.

But it's ending soon, and we discussed what I'll do instead, to keep myself in the routine. I decided that my journal is likely the best place for myself. I'll have Mondays free, so why not make the most of them? Post here, post what anxious things happened, if I applied rapid relaxation, etc. I'll miss therapy, but I'm grateful for it.

I feel normal now. Like I can step back and go "Huh... that would make anyone anxious". That people can listen to what I do and go "I could never do that, I'd be too afraid". That I can be called a 'calm person' and that I'm 'relaxed'. That makes me happy. It really does. I feel like something matters now. That I've learned how to be like other people, if not more observant. I still get anxious, but I understand it more, and I can feel it differently and break away from it. I have tools and I know how to get through it.

I'm also sort of seeing someone now. I'm not sure whether I can post his name, which leads me into a worry. He wants to keep in on the down-low, which I get but also... I don't get. Is he ashamed of me? Embarrassed what his friends think? What is it? I also don't know how to act around him. I have an urge to be sweet and... girly, but I'm afraid to. He's a very logical person, as am I, but what if he sees it as stupid? I want to call him and talk to him for hours, to learn all these things about him, but I have no idea what to do. Never have I felt so confused before. So unsure how to act. Usually I'm so confident about myself, but... maybe he just makes me nervous. He's so smart, witty, amazing, and a variety of other words, but... but but but. I dunno. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fuck up something that matters to me, that I'll make him hate me, or he'll see the 'real' me and be smart and go running.

I'm afraid that now that I've finally found someone I want to be with, that it won't work. Something will go wrong. I don't know how to act around him, I simply don't. I care for him, and I'm worried I care more for him than he does for me... I can't ask him how he feels can I? Would that be rude? Would I make him angry? AUGH! What do I do?! Someone help me.

And with that, I end my entry I suppose... looking for a new job DESPERATELY, enjoying Body Shop as best I can with Walden, which I still hate.

Time to depart, dearest journal.

OH WAIT! Peace Corps is going well too, just gotta do my health forms. BLEH. And prove that just 'cause I'm fat, I can still join >>

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Comments {1}

patches1963

From: patches1963
Date: Feb. 17th, 2009 12:15 pm (UTC)
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<333

The Peace Corps! So exciting! I think anyone would do well with stress management taking on a challenge like that!

And I think you should give the guy a few weeks just in case he needs time, then confront him.
Secrecy is not the key to a good relationship.

I'm glad you're doing well, dear.

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