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So it's December.

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Dec. 23rd, 2009 | 03:48 am
mood: nostalgic nostalgic

And I'm writing in this. I don't know why, because I know no one reads this anymore, as there's nothing here anymore. I'm aware of a lot of things, lately. One is that I'm crazy. Two is that I only draw to me other like-crazy people. I have some 'normal' friends, but most of the people who really enjoy my company are just batshit. I'm alright with that. It suits me. I also am pretty sure I'm Borderline. Which SUCKS. Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up, hoes.

I'm also pissed off at myself for thinking of you. Yea, you know who you are. I'm angry at myself for it, and I'm not sure why. I'm also not sure why you're still on my brain. The dreams are so much less frequent, and rarely are they nightmares, but they exist. Did I get closure? I don't know. I still check license plates when I drive, still hear certain songs and get immediately upset. I'm still not alright, and I don't think I ever will be. I should probably accept that now. I was bonded to you, in a way I'd never been with anyone else, and you shattered that bond. I isolated myself so totally and entirely, and I've never grieved. It was a loss. A momentous one. I wonder now if we'd ever be friends. Is it stupid to sort of hope we could be? I still get you, I know that much, and I'm sure despite your denial, you still get me. We both coped in different ways, because it was a different loss for both. I wonder if you really get how I suffered. Those nights I cried. Those nights I wanted to cry. The horrific anger I felt, the shame. So why do I still want to know you? I miss our phone conversations, as they once were. I miss some of the inside jokes. I miss you, which I'm aware must be 'sick' or 'wrong', but it's there, so be it. Maybe you've moved on, far past this, and I'm left to do my grief work alone. Maybe your denial is so much more powerful, because it's had to be. To admit what you did would be to admit monsterous acts. I'm fairly certain not many could manage that.

So where does that leave me? Am I really so alone in this? Is my current solitude my own doing, or yours? Maybe both? I'm damaged goods, I get that. Two and a half years since I've been with another person. Took me that long to even be able to sleep in the same bed as someone else. But still. I may not feel the true forgiveness yet, but I want to. I want to have some semblance of closeness, of friendship that I know could be found. Call me crazy if you want, it certainly fits.

It's almost too bad you'll never read this.




In completely opposite news, I'm fully applied to Kentucky and Amherst, but Brandeis seems to think I enjoy not handing in letters of recommendation. One place I really want, too. I'm fairly certain if it came down to it, I might just head to Kentucky. Change of scenery, new people. UMASS would be great, but who knows... I just need to leave.

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