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Oct. 13th, 2008 | 09:50 pm

Well, despite a very eventful evening with Rachel on Sunday, my anger is cropping up again. I understand it better, although that doesn't mean it's easier. I'm angry because I'm so anxious, because of therapy. It'll get harder before it gets better, she said that to me (therapist lady), but I still hate it. It's my defense mechanism to keep people out. Only problem is, there's no one left to keep out. I've sufficiently isolated myself, which is fine, but now I have all this anger being released. It's probably best that way. Maybe this will help knock down those walls I've got up.

I just hate being angry. That tight feeling in my stomach from anxiety bubbling into something I can't control and that gets let out through rage. I wanted to cut again tonight, seriously cut, for the first time in a long time. I just feel so overwhelmed... so angry, so tired... It's so hard.

And I'm so isolated. I really would like a boyfriend, honestly, but how do I go about finding one? I don't want to use the internet to find one... I'm done with that, it doesn't work. I want to meet someone, to feel that physical connection, mental and emotional connection... I miss that so badly. It certainly isn't helping my self-esteem that I feel this way, either. Blah. What do I do? I don't know anymore.

This is so hard. I wish it wasn't.

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What's crackin' little bitches?

Sep. 28th, 2008 | 03:43 pm
mood: sick sick

Alright, an entry. I'll try and get better about those, I swear.

So I worked until 1:30am last night... two and a half hours over my normal schedule. But a definite plus was that I got to watch Transformers (hence the title) and the rifftrax for it. I lol'd. It was easy, and I chatted with the supervisor for an hour, then talked with Tanya for a little bit as well. Basically, I got paid over 30 dollars to sit, talk, and watch movies. Not bad, and I dropped to the bottom of the mandate list!

Also: Monster energy drinks are good! :3 Which is helpful to know.

I'm sick, however, which blows mildly. I wonder how it's humanly possible for that much mucus to be in my nose. Like, seriously. What the fuck? Every ten minutes I'm blowing my nose. It seems like I'm a mutant or something.

I also got a radio adapter thing for my iPod, to play it through my radio. It's alright, harder to use when in Boston, given how many stations there are, but it's decent enough.

So Alex did contact me. I was busy re-claiming my Sandshadow name, changing the email and password back to my stuff, when he messaged me. I freaked out a bit, calmed myself down, and said a hello back. Dude, seriously. I fucking blow shit out of proportion in my head. I imagined having an all-out battle with Alex, one for the history books, with him threatening to hack my emails or some shit, I don't even know. But what actually happened was I got the apology I'd been waiting for. From what I can tell, it was sincere. I'm STILL mad at him for deleting my old LJ, and just in general, but having that apology makes me feel at least slightly better, you know? Like, he's acknowledging what I'd been going through.

My friend Dei was nervous for me, warning me to be careful still. But I'm always careful. Anxious people are prepared for everything and anything, and that's what I am. Anxious and careful. Kevin was worried that he was asking to be romantically involved again, I assured him that wasn't the case. Moira called and asked how I was handling it. It's definitely taking a toll on me emotionally, but I'm visiting Laurel this weekend, despite being fucking sick, because fuck it. She's a support for me, and I miss the crap out of her.

Not much else to report. Work is meh. The stories I could tell you guys, though. It's crazy! Some of these girls are really something else. I almost got attacked on Wednesday, which looking back, was amusing. At the time, scary is more appropriate xD

ANYWAYS. That's pretty much all for now. Hopefully I'll remember to update this thing more. It certainly can be useful =)

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(no subject)

Sep. 19th, 2008 | 09:25 am
mood: scared scared

So, hurarh for vivid nightmares.

Last night I had quite an intense one. I started with me being in my own room, when I heard someone downstairs. I quickly realized it was someone breaking in, so I got out my bedroom window, had my keys, got into my car and drove off as fast as I could, speeding. It occurred to me then that it was Alex who had broken into my house. So I drove, and eventually he caught up with me. At first he seemed apologetic for what had happened, then tried to be sexual with me. I was very upset by this, and told him to stop, but he didn't.

Eventually, it ended and he was trying to be sweet with me again, but still being his controlling, awful self. And so we were at the hospital for some reason, and I begged for the security to help me, explaining my situation to them. They went in to arrest him, and were forced to shoot him because he became violent. I went to see how he was doing, since he was still alive, and he tried to come and get me again, wrapped up in the hospital gown, coming towards me. I screamed, trying to get away, and before he could get me, he was shot again twice, killing him, I believe.

I remember screaming hysterically, sobbing, just generally very upset by what had happened. I tried to get away, but it was so hard. I was so upset.

So I guess that answers my question about PTSD :3

And the restraining order is up, which is why I dreamed all that CRAP. Fuck my head. Bleh.

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(no subject)

Sep. 13th, 2008 | 01:36 pm
mood: anxious anxious

I know! long time since I've updated.

Right now I hate people. Like, legitimately I've been shown repeatedly this week why I don't hang out with folks. People at work have been rude and nasty, Kevin has been outwardly ignoring me, Anne found an apartment and didn't even have the decency to TELL me, just blamed it on me and went on her way. Like, seriously everyone. Stop being sneaky and do things behind peoples' backs. Grow a set of balls. That goes for everyone. I'm just sick of this shit. We graduated college (well, some of us), so stop acting like twelve year olds. At least at my job when the girls do something wrong, most apologize later for it. They own their behaviors.

I'm just tired of people, I guess. Fuck everyone, seriously.

On a plus side, visiting MCLA was alright. I got so butt ass lost on my way back, because I was so busy crying and sobbing I missed my exit. Four years driving that route, and never once have I gotten lost. But I did the other day. My mom says it's because I'm grieving. Which I guess is true.

In other news, the restraining order is up on Tuesday at 2pm. Three days. Not that I'm counting. I feel weird about it. Jonas assures me he won't try and make contact, and even if he does, who's to say he's going to be mean? I don't know. Maybe he doesn't even know it's coming up.

The BU center called me back. Their primary diagnosis for me was Generalized Anxiety Disorder, with secondary diagnosis of social phobia, panic disorder, and PTSD. Duh. I could have told you that. Oh well, feels better to know it's 'official' and I can start treatment once placements open up. Two months at the most. Long time to wait, but I've waited twenty-two years. Two months I can handle.

Alright, I need to go, I'm heading out early to pick up some stuff before work. Peace, bitches.

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(no subject)

Jul. 21st, 2008 | 04:32 pm
mood: drained drained

Ok, a few things first. Copying and pasting from IMs because I don't feel like re-writing it.

At work, a girl tried to run away. Was brought back decked an EMT, was taken to the hospital. I'm scared of her. Another girl DID run, was caught, brought back. Scared of her, too. ANother tried to commit suicide.

My mother has cancer on her face. Again.

Bank of America needs to die. They apparently changed my account, without asking, so I lacked overdraft protection. Then didn't process my paycheck and kept saying I was in the negatives. I fought them, they fixed it FINALLY.

So now! I was at Alex's this weekend, and we were going to make a cake for Tony Stark. Why? Because we're silly silly girls. I got bored, and drew on the pillsbury doughboy on the box. I gave him Stark's goatee and mustache and wrote "JERK" on it. :3 But he's a sexy jerk.

And that's it. Also: I am tired.

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I copy people! Namely Tiger >>

Jul. 14th, 2008 | 12:31 pm

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.
* Look at the list and bold those you have read.
* Italicize those you intend to read.
* Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell --I NEED TO READ THIS X_X
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott[/b]
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller ---Sort of. >>
[b]14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger --Everyone's read this.
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger --Absolutely amazing book. I love it.
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame --I was even in the play :3
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell Fucking awesome.
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving--Didn't like it, but I can appreciate it.
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck I still love this book
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens --This book just frustrates me. Fucking kids.
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White --Mostly.
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle[ --Proudly read 'em this year!
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Personally, I'm surprised Uncle Tom's Cabin isn't on this. Unless it is and I missed it. *Shrug*

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(no subject)

Jul. 8th, 2008 | 09:29 am

So I had this really weird dream last night that Robert Downey Jr. was performing limb reattachment surgery and simultaneously performing brain surgery on himself. Naturally, it didn't end well.

I then had a dream I was battling Colin Farrell as a superhero, and leaping across the roofs of the townhouses.

My dreams are SO strange.

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(no subject)

Jul. 7th, 2008 | 09:03 am
mood: blah blah
music: Here (in your arms)- Hellogoodbye

Quick up to the date.

My knee is relatively intact. He bruised the fuck out of the bone, but she thinks that if I can bear weight, awesome. ALSO: FUCK HIM. She told me not to do any high-impact sports. DARN! Guess my new football league is out of the question >___>

Bridget gave me my laptop again. Well, gave it back. And given she'd borrowed it for THREE WEEKS (the agreement was one), she very kindly gave me a Dunkin Donuts giftcard :3 Coffeeeeeeeeeee *Dances*. I'm so excited. Large iced coffees from that place are like, maybe two dollars. Granted ME having coffee is usually a bad idea, but I don't caaaaaare.

Work has been tolerable. It's just hard getting into this, you know? Working with traumatized girls. I helped with a restraint on Saturday. Tanya purposely put me working by this one girl we knew would need a restraint so I'd be involved, which really was good. It lasted maybe 40 minutes or so, and I was fine after. Granted, it's a little jarring, but I'm dandy now. My body ached so bad the next day, haha. I realized I need to start lifting at the gym and doing some sit ups regularly so my body can adjust.

I'm going to the mall today to possibly see about getting a case for my Macbook and some new headphones at the Apple store in the Burlington mall. And then I was going to be lazy. Motherfucking-ass-on-the-bed-all-day lazy. I can't wait. Working six days in a row is draining, and I work for 13 hours on Wednesday. So Monday and Tuesday are going to be my restful days.

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(no subject)

Jul. 5th, 2008 | 10:53 am
mood: anxious anxious

I've taken, finally, one of the first steps towards 'recovery'.

I've realized, without a doubt, that one of the reasons I'm having such problems is my anxiety. Formerly, I was able to manage and use coping skills, as well as cover it up with sarcasm and pretending to be laid back. I'm tired of being... tired all the time, the anxiety taking a serious toll on me. I need to get some help for it. I don't want to be afraid to go into work, you know? I'm sick of freaking out about going on a date, beyond what's normal. I'm sick of making excuses for things that I shouldn't be afraid of. I'm done.

I'm going to check out a program at BU that helps with anxiety and is currently doing a research study on it. I'm going to try and see what I can do. Really, I shouldn't be freaking out about stuff the way I do, and anyone I know can tell you that I do that. Blah. Let's see if this works.

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(no subject)

Jun. 30th, 2008 | 06:49 pm
mood: tired tired

HOBOY DEPRESSION.

Grandpa is dying. He can't make it back to Boston, and he wants to stay in Colorado, and so he's staying. Mom's staying a few extra days, because she thinks this is the last time she'll see him alive, or at least as coherent as he is now.

Visited gramma, which was emotionally draining. She's having more physical problems, and is having some mental stuff as well. She's on more meds, and can't sleep. I'm pretty sure that's because she's in pain. She's very cranky now, and she didn't used to be. It's sad.

Work is stressing me out. Seeing what these girls deal with daily is taking a toll already, which is worrysome. I'm concerned about being able to be strict with them. I'm hoping I can. Everyone seems to think I can, but the anxiety is driving me nuts. It makes me want to cry. At least I've been doing points and chores at night, so that's a good sign. Everyone's been pretty nice, but I just feel like a burden right now. I'll be thankful when that stops.

I'm tired of my anxiety. I met this guy from eHarmony for a date today. Dean. He's a really nice guy, and asked to go on a second date already. There were minor awkward silences, but really, that's to be expected. I thought I'd be a lot sillier, but I just felt comfortable. He seems like a really good guy. I kept freaking out about going on a date for a while.

Mom was worried about my social life. Which is fine, but she shouldn't be. I've never been really social in my life ever. So now isn't an exception.

I'm thankful to have met Laura at work. She's a pretty cool person so far, and we're into some of the same games and the like. That's a good thing.

I'm mostly just tired of dealing with this alone. And no one cares or gives a shit, which is great.

I want to go to sleep forever.

NOT DIE, sleep forever. That would be wonderful.

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